polite society

Since 2005, John Roberts has been the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. During his confirmation hearing that year, he explained his judicial philosophy. He made the case for his future career as one of the 12 most impartial people in america with this quote: "I will decide every case based on the record, according to the rule of law, without fear or favor, to the best of my ability. I will remember that it’s my job to call balls and strikes, and not to pitch or bat." Judges are the so-called umpires of US politics. They are neither the pitcher nor batter, not home nor away. Similar statements from other future Justices litter the congressional record. Each of them vows to be impartial, to judge all people with equal unbiased vigor.

Parts of american society encourage us to internalize certain beliefs and practices. Many people view impartiality as one of the greatest virtues a person can have. Sober, rational thought is a must for the decisions we make, or to see a position in a fair way. But anyone who follows the Supreme Court (sorry) knows this isn't true. As Justices, the Court often votes in ways that betray this pledge and even their own past decisions. People in jobs like judge, police officer, and journalist all claim to be fair and without bias. But we don't have to look far to find evidence that isn't true. I'd even argue that impartiality is an impossible standard for any role.

This isn't the only unrealistic expectation we set for each other. White supremacy culture demands more than impartiality. We also can't show vulnerability to each other. I'll explain both element in more detail.

impartial at best

I have yet to meet a person who is truly impartial on an issue. Everyone still brings the weight of their experiences to every issue they face. I will assume that most folks reading this don't know about the Last Ditch Bar in Massachusetts. This is a lesbian bar that went viral a couple months ago for relaxing some of their Covid-era mask policies. This policy change had an impact on roughly... dozens of people. I'll be generous and say the number is in the low 100s. Yet when the story broke, everyone had an opinion about it. If impartiality was easy, we could have made a judgment at arm's length from the situation. Instead, everyone used the story to advance their own agenda. Judges, cops, journalists, and more do the exact same thing.

It's not our responsibility to deny or hide our biases in public. Like in the work of racial equity, we need to acknowledge our biases in the situations we encounter. We have to accept that the choices that feel natural or obvious to us may be because of the biases we hold. Only then can we begin to make different choices--or be able to better explain why we chose what we did.

Remedy: Confront your biases and make them known, at least to yourself, in the highest level of detail that you can. Ask yourself: when do your biases show up? What would happen if your truth is not the only possibility? What if your beliefs don't actually come from a universal morality? What would you do? How might someone else see this issue? Does your take punch up, to critique those with institutional power and influence? Or are you punching down, to people the wealthy and powerful say are your enemy?

vulnerability is weakness

It's hard to be emotionally vulnerable in public. For some people, it can be difficult even in their own home or friend group. It often feels like a person's emotions are something they should handle in private. Sometimes people express themselves in ways that make other people uncomfortable. There are real stigmas attached to some emotions expressed in public. These cut across lines of gender, race, and class. Women cry in spaces where men can't. Powerful people can cause physical and emotional harm to others, often without consequence. White folks show anger or frustration that could endanger the life of a Black person who feels the same. Public society aspires to a passionless affect, or a bottling of emotion rather than a way to process it. There is no reward for keeping how you feel to yourself.

In american society, rage seems to bubble up everywhere these days. It's so hard sometimes not to give in to these feelings. Looking around, it's no wonder that people have reasons to lash out. We in america especially are so desensitized to violence. We permit violence overseas, in our name and with our weapons, for our so-called safety. But we perpetuate violence against ourselves and each other at home, too. For me, rage is often a product of helplessness. It erupts when people feel they have no other option. Does our culture offer us non-violent ways to release rage? Outside of rooms set up for smashing old office equipment, I don’t think so.

Remedy: We need to be more honest about our emotions; to find healthy ways to share that with others. In his book Love and Rage, Lama Rod Owens writes that our anger is often pointing to something. "It's okay to be angry. It's okay to have this experience of being pissed off right now. And I'm not gonna hide out from it, I'm not gonna push it away; I'm gonna hold it and take care of it. I'm going to allow space for it to be there." What are our emotions pointing to? This can start small with whatever we're feeling. If someone asks your day was, don't lie. You don't have to overwhelm a stranger or share everything. But whats the point of brushing away how you feel? This week I've been dealing with some sadness. I got rejected for an opportunity I really wanted while I've been dealing with health stuff. I could've trudged through it alone, stoic and unfeeling. But instead I shared how I was feeling with my husband. I talked to a few friends about it. None of them solved how I felt, but I did feel closer to them afterwards. We weather tough times with the help of the people around us. And we can offer the same to others, whether through empathy or commiseration.

realistic expectations

There are many ways that society knits us all together. I suspect that most of us have noticed this fabric is fraying; we can feel the effects it's had on social cohesion. I am among the people who dream about utopia. I also acknowledge that if we ever manage to build utopia, the people we're in conflict with now will be there too. So many of society's demands amount to keeping the peace. People let their conflicts and biases fester behind closed doors. They never get resolved because they never get addressed.

I doubt anyone would claim today that we're in a polite society. What would it look like if we lived in a society where it was okay to show vulnerability and compassion? What if we actually took steps to build a place like that? What if we could start today?