don't be humble

Kendrick Lamar's album DAMN. was one of my favorites of 2017. I thought about his song HUMBLE. again after it made an appearance in his incredible performance at Super Bowl LIX. He begins the song by talking about what he's overcome in his life to get here. The sacrifices he's made, his success against the odds, how hard he works, are all there in the first verse. He's performing at a football game I'm told is an important one! He's the best! And in the chorus, he admonishes himself a bit. "Be humble," he repeats for a while. "Sit down. Be humble." Kendrick himself confirmed in an interview with Rolling Stone that this is a song written by him, for him.

Who are you talking to in the chorus– yourself?
Definitely. It’s the ego. [...] I’m looking in the mirror.

Our society pounds this drumbeat of humility as an ideal we're all supposed to aspire to. But society also makes it clear that this ideal isn't for everyone. The most powerful man in the world is an exaggerating blowhard. The media and the public spent decades rewarding him for this braggadocio. If there's some kind of penalty that comes with a lack of humility, who experiences it?

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie gave a speech (which became an essay) titled "We Should All be Feminists." It's the only TED Talk I can think of that made it into a song as a sample. “We say to girls, you can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful. Otherwise, you would threaten the man.” Yes, I know this part of the speech by heart (thanks Beyoncé). Adichie argued that humility is a must for women and girls. Without it, they face the loss of relationships, a loss of support, even a lifetime of rejection.

Society doesn't limit these penalties to women, of course. I'm no stranger to accusations of being cocky or even arrogant. I've heard similar stories from BIPOC friends and colleagues. We're supposed to be happy with what we get. We can't celebrate too hard, whether it's in the end zone or on a tennis court. Demanding more, even our fair share, is being ungrateful for what we already have.

The attack on DEI from the white minority might even be a part of this. Should we have accepted poor representation as being enough? Why should we diminish how hard we worked to get to where we are? Would any of this have kept racists and bigots from moving to steal even more?

the curse of humility

Insisting we humble ourselves is a societal rule that's only selectively enforced. This is why I say that humility is a trap.

There's no right way to be humble. "Being humble" is a vague rule with no clear standard. Saying positive things about ourselves, no matter how humbly, may still earn criticism.

Instead, we should be clear and honest about what it took to get us to where we are. We're not monks! We don't need to aspire to a puritan notion of meekness.

It diminishes our power and worth. Self-deprecation is a plague on our souls! What does it do for us? Why do we use it as a signal for how likable a person is? Why must we diminish ourselves before others will deem us noble or good?

Instead, think about the impact humility may be having on you. Appreciating your own worth doesn't make you conceited or vain. Society tells us in many ways that external validation is the only praise we're allowed to crave. Anyone on social media knows how fleeting validation from others can feel. It can create a feedback loop of emptiness when we don't have a steady stream of it.

Humility is not a virtue. The opposite of humility is pride! LGBTQ+ folks especially know the harms of conforming to society's demands. Pride is not the vice that dominant culture declares it to be. It's a celebration of difference, of specialness, that humility wants to suppress.

Instead, change the narrative that pride means arrogance. Kendrick himself says it on the song PRIDE., which comes right before HUMBLE. on the album: "I can't fake humble because your ass is insecure."

humility is the real vanity

In modern society, humility is the true arrogance. It's become a belief that we have to sand off our edges if we want to get inside. Letting go of humility doesn't mean becoming a braggart. It might instead help us love ourselves a little more.

Doechii is one of my favorite artists of 2024. After she won a Grammy, the blog Hearing Things shared an interview with Doechii and the journalist PapiCleve. He asks, "what advice would you give to your younger self, that you wish you had heard when you were growing up?" Doechii thought for a moment before replying.

“I literally have no advice for myself. I ate that. That little girl is exactly who she needed to be, to be here right now. I’m fucking perfect. I ate that. No notes. Ten outta ten.”

It can feel daunting when we face the odds stacked against us. If you are doing what you can to dismantle oppression and help you and our communities thrive, you are perfect. Why should anyone be humble about that?